Chapter 5

 

The tension as the two men stood staring at each other in silence was so thick, Sirius was vaguely surprised that they hadn’t both suffocated.

 

He shifted, feeling awkward and uncomfortably young.

 

I love you, he wanted to say. Don’t say it’s over. Don’t leave. Don’t leave me. I love you.

 

In the dying light, Remus’s amber eyes glittered.

 

I love you. I love you. I love you. The words hung on the tip of Sirius’s tongue, but he held them in. He’d bared his heart before. It had led him here. He didn’t think he could survive another blow so soon after the first.

 

He took a deep breath, making a decision in the leaden stillness. He would not say it again until Remus had said it. Remus knew where he stood. Though he didn’t know how, Sirius knew that, deep down, Remus felt the same – something in the amber eyes perhaps. Windows to the soul. At least, Sirius hoped.

 

It took all of his strength to walk to the front of the classroom, pick up the tattered briefcase, and cross to the man standing in front of the door. He held it out.

 

“Your briefcase, Professor Lupin.”

 

The brunet flinched, as though he’d been struck. Automatically he took the proffered bag. “Sirius –” he began.

 

But Sirius was already moving past him and out the door. He couldn’t trust himself just then to keep the words he longed to shout bottled up. He had to get away.

 

The door slammed shut behind him then opened again almost instantly. Sirius fought the urge to turn, instead speeding up and rounding the corner, putting as much distance as he could between himself and the figure he knew was watching him walk away.

 

– – – – –

 

“Where the hell have you been?” James demanded loudly the moment Sirius climbed into the Gryffindor common room through the portrait hole.

 

Sirius, who would have just gone up to their dorm to hide in sleep, turned to face his friend.

 

James stared in shock then half rose to his feet. “What happened to you?” he asked in a much lower voice.

 

Sirius’s hand rose automatically to his face and he quickly brushed away the lingering wetness from his cheeks. “Nothing,” he muttered. “I’m going to bed.” He turned and hurried away, up the spiral staircase, and into the dorm room at the top of the stairs.

 

He closed the door quietly behind him, resisting the desire to slam it, and let his body sag heavily backwards against the sturdy wood.

 

What am I doing? he wondered. What is wrong with me? It was never supposed to be like this. It was supposed to just be the summer. He knew I was leaving. I knew I was leaving. We both just wanted… He closed his eyes. No, he reminded himself firmly. He could not lie to himself about anything anymore. No. I never just wanted… I just didn’t realize… But I knew I loved him. I told him I loved him. He never told me. What did he want? What does he want? Is he glad to have seen me again? Was he sorry when I left? Was he just…

 

Then fear struck.

 

What if he leaves? Will he leave? He can’t leave. He can’t leave. He won’t leave. I won’t let him leave. I won’t let him leave me. He’ll stay. He’ll want to stay. I’ll make him want to stay. I know he… I hope he… He has to… Sirius shook his head, confused, hopeful, scared.

 

I need a plan, he thought, trying to convince himself, but only half believing. That’s all. I just need a plan, and everything will work out.

 

He made himself move away from the door and prepare for bed.

 

The question, he realized, forcing himself to focus on this new idea instead of on his disastrous encounters with his new teacher, was whether or not he could talk to James about it. Another perspective could make all the difference, and James had always been his partner in crime. There was no chance of his telling Peter, the smaller boy knew nothing of Sirius’s – preferences – and Sirius had no intentions to enlighten him. James was really the only person Sirius could even consider asking for help, but what if he asked and James refused? James had never had a problem before with rule-breaking, but this wasn’t just a rule, it was the law. What if James disapproved? When Sirius had first come out to James, the other boy had said he was all right with it and, so far, he had been, but this was different, this was a teacher.

 

I have to risk it, Sirius thought, both comforted by having come to a decision and terrified that it would backfire. He’s the only one I can trust with this and I can’t hold it in any longer. I need his help. I need his support. I need to know he’ll still be my friend.

 

Sirius stared for a long moment at his reflection in the mirror over the sink, toothbrush clamped between his teeth.

 

Tonight, he decided. I have to tell James tonight.

 

– – – – –

 

Sirius was just crawling into his bed with a book to read while he waited for James when the boy in question entered the dorm with a determined look on his face.

 

James scanned the room quickly, spotted Sirius, and marched over.

 

“Look,” James began, voice forceful, before Sirius could so much as open his mouth. “I realize it’s probably not my business, or, at least, you probably don’t think it’s my business, and I respect that you probably don’t think it’s my business, but you’ve been in a mood since you got back from Paris. I don’t know what it was, but I know it was something and I know that something happened while you were gone. And I also know that something happened tonight.”

 

“James,” Sirius started, but he was cut off.

 

“And I don’t care if you think it’s not my business. This is bothering you quite a lot and you’re my friend and that makes it my business.”

 

Sirius tried again. “James –”

 

“And I want to know, is it your parents or…? Did they do something in France? Do they know? Did they say something? Did you get an owl after class? Is that why you disappeared? Where did you go? Was it –”

 

“James!” Sirius grabbed his friend by the shoulders and shook him fiercely. “Will you shut up?”

 

James subsided, looking stunned.

 

“Thank you,” Sirius sighed with relief and released the hazel-eyed boy. Then he sighed again, a more anxious sound, the prospect of actually telling James everything making him a bit nervous. “Look,” he said, then stopped, gathering himself together. He hadn’t really figured out exactly how to go about spilling his somewhat sordid tale to his best friend in such a way that said best friend would not panic, desert him, and have him locked up… or worse, have Remus locked up. “Look,” he said again, trying to keep his nerves under control. “It’s not my parents – or my family at all – for once. It’s… This summer I…”

 

“You met someone,” James supplied abruptly.

 

Sirius stared. “I… You… How did you…?”

 

“Know?” asked James.

 

Sirius nodded, unable to speak.

 

“‘No girl,’” James reminded him.

 

“Oh.” Lunch. “Right.”

 

“And you’re in love with him,” James went on.

 

Sirius’s jaw dropped a bit in shock. It hadn’t been a question.

 

“You look like I feel every time I think about Lily Evans,” James explained in response to Sirius’s amazed gape.

 

Sirius picked up his jaw. “I guess that makes two of us getting rejected, then,” he told the messy-haired boy.

 

James was silent for a long moment, concern apparent in his hazel eyes. Finally, he asked, “What happened? Who was he?”

 

This is it, thought Sirius. He already knows this much. And I need to tell him the rest, for my own sanity. I need his support and I need his help to make Remus stay. But first… “Are you sure you want to know?” he had to ask.

 

TBC