Chapter 6
“Let me see if I’ve got all this straight,” James says, ruffling up his hair out of habit.
I somehow refrain from pointing out that perhaps ‘straight’ is not the best term to be using under the circumstances. He wouldn’t have refrained. But then again, we’ve only explained half the story to James, and I feel it best not to sidetrack so early on. Best to leave that ‘til we need to divert him so he doesn’t blow something up… like one of us.
Unaware of my inner musings, my hazel-eyed friend keeps talking.
“You,” he looks at Lily, “know about Remus’s furry little problem.”
“Yes,” Lily nods.
“You’ve known for years.”
Lily nods again.
James gives me a reproachful glance.
I try to look repentant. Maybe I should have told him and the others before now that Lily figured it out ages ago.
James runs an unconscious hand through his hair again.
Lily scowls.
James doesn’t notice.
“Werewolves, like Remus here –” James gestures helpfully at me in case it is unclear to either Lily or myself who ‘Remus here’ is. “– mate for life.” He looks at me. “So you can’t have sex because the first time you do the nasty your partner becomes your mate, and, due to said furry problem, it’s a binding contract.”
Now this isn’t an awkward conversation.
“That’s what I just told you,” Lily is nodding again.
How can she be so calm?
For once in his life, James ignores the redhead. “And you’ve known about this for how long?” he demands of me.
Shit. “A few years,” I mumble.
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“It’s not like I was hiding it,” I mutter.
“Like hell!” James shouts.
Double shit.
“You’ve known for ages and you couldn’t find a moment, in all the time the four of us spend together, to tell us you –”
“It’s not like I’m going to just bring it up in a random conversation, James!” I snap. Somehow, this is all just hitting a nerve. “Imagine, if you will, the four of us sitting around, complaining about teachers and homework as usual, and all of a sudden, out of the blue, I just come out with it. ‘Yeah, I can’t believe this essay McGonagall’s making us write. Oh, and by the way, I can’t wind the clock, ‘cuz it’s a lot more permanent than marriage!’”
Lily coughs.
James is gaping at me.
I bite my lip. I shouldn’t have said that. I thought I was better than this at controlling my temper.
James suddenly looks resentful. “She knew,” he jerks his head at Lily. “You managed to find an appropriate time to tell a girl, but you can’t find the time to tell your best friends?”
Startled by this new attack – I never in a million years thought James would turn on Lily – I can’t form a response.
“Girls talk,” Lily, coming to my defense, informs the hazel-eyed boy sharply.
“About –”
“About everything,” she cuts him off before he can get out the question.
“Rem’s not a girl,” James reminds her.
“Well spotted,” I mutter acidly, my irritation fighting my defenses once more.
“He’s as good as,” Lily snaps at the same time.
“Not helping, Lily,” I manage to bite out before James can say anything else.
“Sorry.” She turns pink and looks away.
“Remus –” James starts.
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, James.” I sigh, trying to push my annoyance down. “But now you know, so can we just drop it?”
“Do Sirius and Peter know?” he asks.
“Er,” I chew on my lower lip for a moment. “No. They don’t.”
“Even Sirius?” he asks, sounding surprised.
“Erm, yes.” And I thought I was uncomfortable before. At least he’s calmed down a bit.
“This is the second time in as many days I know something about you before he does,” James remarks. “I thought you told him everything.”
“Yes, well…” I trail off. If I thought explaining the sexual habits of werewolves was hard, this should be fun.
“There’s a reason we’re talking to you about this, Potter.” Lily seems to have regained her fire.
“Oh?” James raises an eyebrow.
Lily frowns at him, then looks pointedly at me.
Guess I have to do the talking, I grumble to myself. And here I thought she might explain, since it is her plan.
“Well?” James presses.
Just say it. “There’s something else I haven’t told Sirius,” I confess.
“Something else?”
“Erm.” I resist the urge to squirm. “Yes.”
James looks at me expectantly, waiting.
I’m not really sure how to start. “It’s sort of tied in with…” I try. No. “You see, it’s kind of…” Not really. “Well, what I mean is…”
“Just spit it out, already!” James exclaims.
“What I’m trying to say is…” Shit. “The thing is…”
“He’s in love with Black,” Lily mutters, clearly exasperated.
“What?” James whirls to face her fully. “What did you say?”
Lily gives me a look, which I return helplessly. She rolls her eyes, and looks back at James. “I said, he’s in love with Black.”
“Black? As in… as in Sirius Black?”
“Yes, Sirius Black.” Lily rolls her eyes again.
“As in our friend Sirius Black?”
“How many Sirius Blacks do you know, Potter?” Lily demands.
“But I –” James stares at me for a long moment.
I fidget under his gaze. “What?”
Finally, he nods. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“You guess so what?” I want to know.
“Just that I should have known,” he replies.
“You should have known?”
I thought I’d done a good job hiding it!
I thought Lily was the only one who knew! But
“Just certain things,” James explains. “You know, like…”
“Things?” I say sarcastically.
He has the decency to look embarrassed. “Yeah, things.”
“Great.” I slump back into the couch. “So does everyone know?”
Lily and James each raise an eyebrow at me. If I didn’t feel quite so miserable I’d find it amusing. I know he would find it amusing. Would probably spout some nonsense about ‘His’ and ‘Hers’ matching expressions.
“You figured it out
ages ago,” I remind Lily. “And you
seem to think it’s obvious, now,” I point out to James. “And
James claps a hand to his forehead. “
Lily is making frantic ‘cut it out’ signs at James, who only looks confused.
“It’s fine, Lily.” I grab the girl’s wrist to make her stop
miming cutting her own throat. I turn back to James. “I told
James quickly glances around the common room, which is still almost empty, and he, too, lowers his voice. “The wolf wasn’t happy? You can tell?”
“Of course I can tell.” I bite my lip. How would James know that? It’s not something I ever talk about much. “It’s always here, James,” I tell him, tapping my chest. “I can control it, most of the time, but it’s always here.”
“Oh.”
I glance at Lily, who nods encouragingly. “Anyway,” I go on,
trying to convince myself that it’s okay to be talking about this, “the wolf
can be pretty forceful when it’s not happy.” And Lily can be pretty forceful when she’s sure she’s right, I add
silently. “I told
Both James and Lily nod. I wonder briefly what she told the younger student, but the common room is starting to fill up again, and we still haven’t told James Lily’s plan. Maybe I ought to propose a change in location, somewhere more private. I’m not so sure about how well Lily’s plan is going to go over with my messy-haired friend, and if he starts screaming, it’s bound to attract attention. Then again, James shouts an awful lot, so maybe no one will pay any mind… Of course, that depends on what it is he starts yelling about.
Definitely a good idea to move.
“Look, can we go somewhere else to talk?” I suggest. “People are starting to come back, and I’d rather not talk about this with an audience.”
Neither of my friends says anything, they just nod, and rise. We head up to our dorm, since James can’t go up the girls’ staircase. I’ve never had any trouble, but, as Lily keeps pointing out, I’m practically one of the girls anyway. I really hate that sometimes, but it’s made my friendship with Lily a lot easier.
We settle on my bed.
“So is there anything else I need to know?” James sounds partly curious, partly resigned. “I get the feeling you didn’t want to get away from everyone else to ask about my Charms essay.”
“Er,” Lily and I exchange a glance.
“Yes?”
“The… the mate thing,” I stumble a bit over my words. “It’s… well…”
“Sirius?” James asks.
“How –”
“I’m not completely stupid, you know,” James sounds a little hurt.
“I know,” I hasten to reassure him.
“Guilty until proven innocent,” Lily mutters at the same time.
I glare at her. Alienating James will not help. Not that I think Lily could really alienate James; after all, she’s been trying for years and it hasn’t worked.
“So, how does the mate thing… work?” James asks.
It slips out before I can stop it. “Hopefully, just like anyone else’s.” I clap my hand over my mouth, feeling my cheeks burn.
James’s eyes go wide, and Lily bursts into giggles. A moment later, James is laughing as well, and I can’t help but join in. It was just something he would say, and I realize as well as they do how bizarre it sounded coming out of my mouth.
After a few minutes, we settle down again.
“So…” James prompts.
“What is it you’re asking?” Do I really want to know?
“Does it, er, matter who the mate is? Is it some sort of, I don’t know, pre-destined thing?”
“I thought you dropped Divinations because you thought it was a load of shit, James,” I say, a little more tartly than I’d intended.
James flushes. “I was just wondering.”
I sigh. I’m supposed to be the nice, quiet one. “It’s not pre-destined,” I tell him, forcing myself to breathe evenly. “It can be anyone, whoever my first is, so Sirius isn’t my mate. I just want him to be.” I almost whisper the last. A fist clenches in my chest and I fight the sudden sting in my eyes. This is not what I need right now.
James nods, looking thoughtful
The room is quiet for a few moments, and I attempt to gain control of myself again.
“So, um, how do I fit into all this?” James asks, breaking the silence. “Not that I don’t appreciate you telling me this, but if I had to venture a guess, I’d say you’re not telling me now just because you thought it was time we had a heart-to-heart.”
“Remus is convinced Black doesn’t share his feelings,” Lily says bluntly. “I think otherwise.”
“And you think I might hold the secret?” James guesses. His mouth twists a bit. “He’s never said anything about it.” He looks at me for a moment, then adds quietly, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I say hurriedly, trying to ignore the tightening fist in my chest and the feeling that I’ve just fallen into a bottomless pit. “I didn’t think he did. Lily just –”
James holds up a hand to cut me off. “I didn’t say he doesn’t feel the same way. I just said he’s never said one way or the other.”
I stare at him.
“Then…” Lily’s brow is creased in confusion.
“I agree with you,” James tells her, then shrugs. “I can’t prove
anything, of course, but there are a lot of little things that would make more
sense if you’re right. I didn’t know about Rem, but I’ve had suspicions about
Sirius for a while. Especially this past week.” He gives me a significant look.
“I think he knew right off that
“You what?” Kill me now.
“I asked him why he was so jealous,” James confesses. “He said he wasn’t and I told him that if he wasn’t jealous, he should stop acting like he was. I told him he was behaving like a jilted lover. He, er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me he would behave however he pleased, and it was none of my business. I, uh, told him it was my business, since you wouldn’t stand up for yourself.”
Lily gasps. “What did he do?”
I’m wondering the same thing. I can’t decide whether to be touched or angry that James was standing up for me, but I do know that he must have been less than thrilled at being stood up to – even if it was James.
“He pulled his wand on me and told me to piss off. I decided
it wasn’t worth a fight, so I left. He was better this morning. A little on
edge, but better. Until we ran into you and
I feel my face heat up. The detached part of me notes with amusement his use of such a muggle expression. The rest of me wants the earth to open up and swallow me as Lily starts to giggle. I hate when girls giggle.
“It took both me and Peter to drag Sirius off,” James tells Lily once she’s calmed down. “Then he left. Probably went up to the Shack to sulk.”
“See!” Lily whacks my arm, looking triumphant. “I told you he was jealous!”
“But…” I stop, not really sure what to say. Most of me is still convinced that she’s got it all wrong, there’s another explanation for everything, and if I go along with this plan of hers, I’m going to lose him as even a friend, and quite possibly James, too. But that little part of me that agreed to her cockamamie scheme – the part of me that has always tried to hope – wonders if perhaps she’s been right all along.
Lily, ignoring me, turns to James. “Look, Potter,” she says excitedly, “I’ve got the perfect plan to make Black confess that he’s in love with Remus.”
“You’ve got a what?” James stares at her.
“A plan, Potter. I would have thought that you, of all people, would know what that is. You know, it starts with an idea, and then, in order to figure out how to make it work, you think about – but I suppose that would be where you run into difficulty.” She smirks. “Thinking.”
James reddens. “I know what a plan is, Evans. I just didn’t really see you as the planning type.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Potter,” Lily informs him.
I wonder if he understands what she means. I somehow doubt it.
James looks between the two of us, then says, “So, Remus is, er, in love with Sirius, but so far none of us has a definite answer as to whether or not Sirius returns these feelings, so you came up with a plan to prove that he does return them.” He pauses for a moment, then goes on. “That’s great, and all, but I’m still not sure why you’re telling me all this. I’ve told you I don’t have the proof you want.” He frowns suddenly. “But you already had this plan before you started talking to me, and it seems as though whether or not I could tell you what’s going on in his mind wasn’t a factor to begin with. Now, I keep trying to add two and two together, but, somehow, I keep ending up with three. What am I missing?”
Lily glances askance at me, then focuses on James. “You saw
how upset he got over
James nods, running a hand through his hair.
“Well, we figured if there were a similar situation, we might be able to provoke a similar response, and, perhaps, get Black to admit why he’s so upset.”
“I see.” James nods. “But why a similar situation?” he glances
at me. “Why don’t you just keep going out with
“It wouldn’t have been fair to
“So what did you have in mind?” James is looking suspicious.
Can’t say I blame him.
Lily takes a deep breath, glances quickly at me again, then says, “We want you to pretend to go out with Remus.”
James is silent for a long time. “You want me to go out with Remus?” he finally asks.
“Pretend,” Lily says hastily. “Pretend to go out.”
“Why me?”
“It won’t be particularly convincing if I do it,” Lily points out.
James colors. “Yes, but…”
“You’re Black’s best friend,” Lily reminds him. “It’s perfect. He ought to be comfortable enough with you to tell you he’s not happy you’re dating Rem. And even if he’s not at the beginning, if I’m right, it will bother him so much that he’ll eventually crack. Especially since you’re all good friends and dorm-mates, so he’ll always be around the two of you. It will drive him mad. And you’ll be able to tell it’s bothering him. So when he finally comes out with it – which he will – you can tell him that, while you care about Remus, you know Black does as well, and more, and you can tell him you think Remus likes him as well, and then you can help Black win Remus through some plan of your own.” Lily is positively beaming.
I’m practically holding my breath. Knowing James, he’ll either laugh hysterically and agree, thinking it’s a marvelous joke, or he’ll take off downstairs, shrieking so loudly he’ll attract more attention than that time last year when Peter dared our two black-haired friends to go streaking during the Sorting to honor my being made a prefect. Needless to say, they took the dare, and gave the new students a preview of what happens when you cross Professor McGonagall. He always insists that McGonagall should thank them: she’s never had a day of trouble from any of the students Sorted last year.
But James, completely at odds with everything I know about him, says nothing for quite some time. I’ve nearly run out of breath by the time he finally speaks, and his behavior continues to defy the image of him that I’ve built up over the past five and a half years. “I can’t do it,” he says quietly. “I’m sorry.”
“What?” Lily looks incredibly startled. “Why not?”
“Because I –” he stops for a moment before going on, face red. “I just can’t, all right?”
“Come on, Potter,” Lily insists. “Please?”
He hesitates, and I can see what it must be costing him to say ‘no’ to Lily, but then he shakes his head. He doesn’t look at me, and seems to be trying to avoid her gaze as well. “You said it yourself, Evans,” he tells her. “Sirius is my best friend. You can’t expect me to do something like that to him. Whatever my feelings are.”
“Potter –”
“I can’t! So just drop it!” James jumps up off the bed and runs out of the room.
Lily and I look at each other.
I’m confused. He was definitely hiding something, though I’m not sure what.
“There’s something up with Potter,” Lily says, as though she can read my mind.
I nod. There’s definitely something up. The question is, what is it?
TBC
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