Chapter 4

 

“I’m really glad you agreed to come with me today,” Bryan gives me a shy smile.

 

“I am, too,” I reply. I’m not lying, I am glad I agreed. It’s a beautiful day, especially for this late in the season: sunny and very nearly warm. And it’s nice to be with Bryan outside of school.

 

“Let’s go to Honeydukes,” he says, grabbing my hand and tugging me in that direction.

 

I can’t help but laugh as we run down the street together towards the sweet shop. His eagerness reminds me of… no. Not today. Today, I’m with Bryan. I won’t think of him. I won’t.

 

Inside, Honeydukes is packed with students. The crowd makes me uncomfortable, which is strange. I’ve never had a problem with crowds before. But, usually, I’m with… the other marauders.

 

Bryan notices my hesitation, and he frowns in concern. “Are you all right, Remmi?” he asks.

 

No one calls me Remmi. No one but…

 

“I’m fine,” I tell him. “I just don’t like crowds so much.”

 

“Oh…” his nose squinches up a bit as he thinks. It’s kind of cute. “Well, why don’t you stay out here, and I’ll go in and get us both some candy?”

 

“Ok,” I smile, and dig around in my pocket for my money. “Here…” I start to offer him a handful of coins, but he shakes his head.

 

“No. My treat.”

 

“Bryan…”

 

“I insist.” He grins. “I asked you out, remember? That means I pay.” And he releases my hand – which I notice he’d still been holding – and vanishes into the mob.

 

I lean against the store while I wait for him to return. Now that he’s gone, I wonder if I made a mistake. It’s fun being with Bryan, but I know where I really want to be… and with whom. And what if Bryan gets the wrong idea? What if he thinks… What? That I like him? Do I? I suppose. As a friend, though. But there’s the rub. You’re not supposed to be attracted to your friends, and I am definitely attracted to him. But I’m more attracted to… I’m not thinking about him. Not today. But he’s my friend, too. More of a friend than Bryan. My best friend. And I want him. The wolf wants him. The wolf needs him. I need him. But it won’t happen. It can’t happen.

 

I have to stop thinking about it. I’ll worry about everything later. I’m going to enjoy my day with Bryan.

 

“Remus?”

 

I turn at the sound of my name, and smile at Lily Evans as she and a group of her friends force their way out of the candy store.

 

“Hi, Lily. Girls.”

 

They twitter and return the greeting. I get on well with them, but I hate it when they twitter.

 

“Where’re Black and Potter?” Rina asks, giggling.

 

Alice jabs her in the ribs.

 

“I’m not sure,” I tell them, trying not to grit my teeth. Giggling.

 

“You’re not waiting them?” Lily asks, raising one copper eyebrow.

 

I shake my head. “No.”

 

Lily looks at me for a moment, then turns to her friends. “Why don’t you girls go ahead without me? I’ll meet up with you at the Three Broomsticks. Get me a butterbeer?” She hands her purse to Alice, who shoos the others ahead of her in the direction of the inn. I always liked Alice.

 

Lily inspects me like I’m some sort potion she’s working on.

 

I suddenly realize how interesting my shoes are. Look, the right one’s scuffed on the toe.

 

“Spill,” Lily commands.

 

“Hmm?” My left shoe has a dent in the heel. I wonder where that came from.

 

“Remus. Where are Black and Potter?”

 

“Around somewhere, I’m sure. Pete’s probably with them as well,” I tell her pointedly, finally looking up. Everyone always forgets about Pete, and I always feel badly about it. It’s not his fault he’s not as, well, interesting as our dark-haired friends. Or as popular. Or as smart. Or as… anything.

 

Lily, who usually at least acknowledges the omission, brushes it off. “Didn’t you come with them?”

 

I look back down at my shoes. Oh, how interesting, they… have laces. “No.”

 

“You came by yourself?”

 

I sense that she’s gearing up to full pry-mode now. I can tell she knows I didn’t come by myself. Better stop this before it gets started.

 

“Of course I didn’t come by myself, Lily,” I snap, looking up at her again. “I came with Bryan Davenport. Yes, we’re here on a date. Yes, he asked me out. No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

She scowls. “Don’t you take that tone with me, Mr. Lupin.” She sniffs indignantly, then sighs. “Much as I’d like to say ‘about time you went on a proper date’ I have to ask… are you all right?”

 

I hold her gaze for a moment, then look down once more. “I’m fine.”

 

“Rem…” she waits for me to look up. “What about Black?”

 

I swallow hard. Lily’s the only person I’ve ever talked to about him. Or, at least, about my inappropriate, erm, feelings for him. But what can I tell her? She won’t believe me if I tell her I’m over it, but I’m worried she’ll think less of me if I tell her the truth. But I guess there’s nothing else to say. “Lils… you know it will never happen. Bryan’s a good guy. I like spending time with him. And I may as well have some fun, right?”

 

“Aw, Rem,” she hugs me tightly, and I feel vastly relieved that she understands. She pulls away. “But… but you can’t… I mean…” she’s blushing. “You told me that the… um… your, er, ‘furry little problem’…”

 

“No,” I lower my voice, “the wolf isn’t happy. And what I told you is true. I can’t…” it’s my turn to blush. It feels awkward to be talking about sex like this. In Hogsmeade. Outside Honeydukes. “But Bryan and I are just on a date. It’s not like we’re planning on jumping into bed, even if I could. And… it can’t happen with… with Siri anyway. I told you. I can’t tie him down like that. And he doesn’t want me anyway.” It hurts to say it out loud. I’ve talked about this with Lily before, but it still hurts.

 

“Rem…” she pauses, and her green eyes look thoughtful. “Rem, what if I told you he might feel the same. No, don’t interrupt,” she says as I open my mouth to do just that. “What if I told you I’m almost sure he does feel the same? And that he wouldn’t see it as ‘being tied down’ at all?”

 

“Lily, don’t –” I start. I can’t handle this. Hope is a horrible thing.

 

“No, Rem! Really!” she’s starting to get excited now. “And I think I know a way we can get him to come out about it!”

 

“Lily –”

 

She looks at me sternly. “Rem, what you’re doing isn’t fair to Davenport. If he’s serious about you – and from what I’ve heard it sounds like he is – you can’t lead him on like this. You know it, too. That’s why you’re all worked up about this. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you. I think I have a solution. But first, you have to tell Davenport the truth.”

 

“Lily, I like Bryan.” It feels traitorous to say, but it is true, after a fashion, and I don’t trust Lily’s schemes any more than I trust those of my fellow marauders.

 

She arches an eyebrow at me, opening her mouth again – most likely to berate me – but I’m saved as Bryan squeezes out of the throng in the store.

 

“Remmi!” Bryan grins as he reaches my side.

 

I ignore Lily’s shocked look.

 

“Evans,” Bryan smiles politely at her, and kisses my cheek. He really is very sweet.

 

“Davenport,” she returns his polite smile before looking pointedly at me. “I’ll see you later, Remmi.”

 

I scowl. Girls.

 

“What was that about?” Bryan asks, taking my hand and leading me down the street.

 

He has nice hands. Not like… Anyway, Bryan has nice hands.

 

“Girl stuff,” I say, rolling my eyes in an exaggerated manner.

 

He laughs. He really does have a nice laugh. But I can’t help but miss…

 

“So did you have to fight off half the school to get to the counter?” I ask, mentally fighting off the annoying voice in my head that’s wondering what a certain grey-eyed marauder is currently doing.

 

“More like the whole school,” he replies with a grin. “But it was worth it. Look!” he waves a Honeydukes bag in the air in front of me. “I forgot to ask you what you like, but I got Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, and sugar quills, and licorice wands.” He beams.

 

No chocolate.

 

I feel a pang in my chest as I realize he wouldn’t have needed to ask me what I like. He knows how much I love chocolate. He’d surprise me with all sorts of flavors, and they’d all be wonderful. Just like he is.

 

I blink rapidly.

 

“Remmi, are you ok?” Bryan looks worried.

 

“Just the sun in my eyes,” I say hurriedly, smiling at him. Maybe I should listen to Lily. Maybe… no. I know better.

 

“Remmi…” Bryan pulls me around a corner into a side street.

 

“Bryan?” I raise an eyebrow at him, wondering what’s going on.

 

I hear familiar voices laughing from the main road. They’re getting closer, and I want to listen to what they’re saying, but Bryan looks very serious, and all of a sudden he releases my hand and puts his arm around my waist, drawing me closer.

 

Then he’s kissing me again, and it’s as soft and sweet as last time. My arms wrap around his neck, and his tongue traces across my lower lip, begging for entrance. I’m about to part my lips, when, somewhere deep inside me, the wolf growls, angry with the situation.

 

I push away, and, at the same moment, realize the laughter from the street beyond has stopped.

 

“Remus?”

 

That squeaky voice can only belong to Peter.

 

I turn.

 

Pete’s standing at the corner, staring. James is trying to push him away. He’s having a hard time of it. He doesn’t look too happy.

 

“Hey, Rem!” James’s voice is cheerful, but forced, and slightly breathless from the effort it must be taking to keep him from breaking loose. “We’re just going. You go back to what you were doing! Peter! Help me!” Together, Pete and James manage to pull him away, and they vanish around the corner.

 

I turn back to Bryan. “Sorry,” I tell him.

 

“It’s ok, they’re your friends…” he trails off, and reaches for me again, smiling in a ‘let’s forget about them for now’ kind of way.

 

I stop him. Lily was right. I can’t do this. I can’t help but hate her at the moment.

 

“Bryan… I’m really sorry.” I bite my lip. “This…” I gesture between us, “This isn’t going to work.”

 

“Remmi –”

 

“It’s not you, Bryan. Please believe me. It’s me. I shouldn’t have come here with you. It wasn’t fair to you. I…” Can I say it? I think I have to. I owe Bryan that much. “I’m in love with someone else.” My shoes really aren’t all that interesting. “I thought I could forget him, but I can’t. I’m so sorry.”

 

There’s silence for a moment, then, “It’s Black, isn’t it?”

 

My head snaps up. “What?”

 

“You’re in love with Sirius Black, aren’t you?”

 

I bite my lip again, then force myself to nod.

 

Bryan nods in return. “I thought you might be, but… I hoped…”

 

“I’m really sorry, Bryan.”

 

“I understand. I… no,” he shakes his head. “I won’t keep you. But if you ever change your mind…?”

 

“You’ll be the first person I look for,” I promise, amazed he’s taking this so well. He’s really a great guy.

 

“Thanks.” He turns to go, then turns back. “Remus?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

He gives me a sad sort of half smile. “Good luck.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

He walks away, and I’m left staring after him as he disappears down the street.

 

Then I turn and head for the Three Broomsticks.

 

Lily’s plan had better work.

 

TBC