Warning: Back to Rem’s POV.

 

Chapter 10

 

When I wake up I’m assaulted by the silence and ultra clean scent of the hospital wing. I open my eyes and wince at the bright white light. I wonder what time it is. From the blinding sunlight coming through the curtains I’d guess late morning, but I can’t be sure.

 

I shift a little, trying to get comfortable, and wince at the pain in my still-healing body. It’s worse than it has been in a while. I try to recall what we got up to last night, and, with a start, realize I don’t really remember much at all. This hasn’t happened since my friends started joining me in their animagi forms…

 

But they weren’t there last night.

 

I frown, trying to think. They weren’t there? I can remember bits and pieces of the previous night. I never left the Shrieking Shack: that much I’m sure of. And no, they weren’t there.

 

Why weren’t they there?

 

From beyond my curtain comes the noise of a door opening and footsteps, then low whispering that I can’t quite make out. More footsteps – they’re familiar, light, purposeful… Lily?

 

A moment later, a head with dark red hair and bright green almond-shaped eyes peers around the curtain at me.

 

“You’re awake!” Lily says, smiling, and comes around the curtain properly. “How are you feeling?” she sits on the edge of my bed and touches my forehead with the back of her hand out of habit.

 

“I’m a little sore,” I tell her casually, “but other than that I’m fine.”

 

Her lips purse and I know there’s no fooling her.

 

“All right, so I’m a little worse off than usual.” I pause, not sure I should really tell her, but then decide I’ve told her everything else. “The others didn’t come last night.”

 

Instead of the surprise I’m expecting – or perhaps some supportive outrage – she nods, an expression I can’t read on her face. “I know,” she says.

 

“You… know?”

 

She nods again. “James told me.”

 

What? “James told you they weren’t coming?” Did he tell you why? Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t someone tell me?

 

“No. He told me afterwards, just a little while ago, actually. He asked me to come see you and tell you what happened.”

 

“What… happened?” I repeat. I know I sound like a parrot, but I don’t care. I can feel a little bubble of panic start to expand in my chest. “Did someone get hurt? Is James okay? Is Sirius okay?” I don’t know why, but it feels like a fist is closing around my heart. Something is wrong. Very wrong. I don’t want to ask, but I have to know. “Did something happen to Sirius?”

 

“Not exactly.” Lily looks down and picks at the white coverlet.

 

I want to shake her. “Not exactly?” I demand. “What does not exactly mean?”

 

“Well…”

 

“Don’t beat around the bush, Lily, just say it!”

 

She sighs and looks up. “The good news is Sirius is in love with you. He confessed to James and Peter last night. The bad news is he told Severus Snape how to find you after moonrise, and the only reason he admitted to being in love with you is because he realized what he had done and panicked… and ran to James.”

 

My mouth is hanging open. I can’t quite process what she’s just said. He’s in love with me? He told Snape? Snape knows? How… What… How…?

 

“James went after Snape and pulled him out, but he knows you’re a werewolf. No one got hurt. Dumbledore knows. James told me, then went to find Sirius. The two of them and Snape are in Dumbledore’s office now.”

 

I try to speak, but something doesn’t seem to be working. I can’t make a sound.

 

Things are warring inside me, confusion still dominant. I’m not entirely sure what’s happening around me.

 

Somewhere there’s an unexpected ecstasy, and I think it’s being encouraged by the wolf.

 

There’s definitely fear, for myself and my friends – what if it’s discovered that they’re animagi? Will they be sent to Azkaban? What’s going to happen to me? What if Snape tells someone?

 

There’s quite a bit of shock, weaving in and out of the confusion. Everything seems very sudden. I’m not sure what to do with all this information.

 

Sorrow, hurt, pain. The physical aches permeating my body have nothing on the mental anguish that’s trying to take over.

 

And steadily gaining strength is an emotion almost as rare for me as real happiness: anger. Fury. Pure rage. It’s bubbling up inside me, making my blood boil. Betrayal. How could he do this?

 

Lily is watching me, face sad, eyes understanding. She gently strokes my arm and takes my hand. She says nothing.

 

There is nothing to say.

 

“Remus?” the hesitant voice belongs to James.

 

I look up at my messy-haired friend and wonder if he expects an answer of some sort. I hope not. He’ll only be disappointed if he does.

 

The hazel-eyed boy shuffles a few steps closer, letting the curtain fall back into place behind him, and exchanges a look with Lily that I don’t even bother trying to read.

 

“I’ll leave you two to talk,” Lily says, rising. “I’ll be back later.” And she’s gone.

 

I appreciate that she didn’t make up some story of having something else to do almost as much as I appreciate her promise to return. Her presence was comforting, perhaps because she’s somewhat removed from all the turmoil in my head. Perhaps because she didn’t try to tell me that everything will be all right, she just offered her silent support.

 

James shifts awkwardly for a few long moments, then abruptly closes the distance between us, sitting on the edge of my bed.

 

“So she told you.” It’s not really a question.

 

I don’t bother to reply.

 

“No one was hurt,” James says after another long moment of silence. “Not even Sniv – Snape. We talked to Dumbledore. Snape and Sirius are still with him. Snape won’t tell anyone about you. No one’s going to get expelled, or anything like that. And no one found out about our being Animagi, so there’ll be no trouble about that.”

 

Silence.

 

I feel as though I should be relieved, but I’m not. I have no room for relief. I’m confused and hurt and angry, angry and hurt and confused.

 

“I told Sirius about Lily’s plan,” James says finally. He never could handle silence for long. “So we don’t have to pretend to date anymore. I told him we were only doing it to make him jealous.”

 

Silence.

 

“It worked, though.” James’s cheerful tone is so obviously forced it makes my teeth hurt. “He said he’s in love with you. Apparently, seeing us together sent him ‘round the bend. It’s why he…” James trails off, eyes wide and slightly horrified at what he’s just told me. He covers his mouth with his hands, as though that could keep me from knowing what he’d been about to say.

 

“Told Snape,” I finish for him. My voice sounds foreign to my own ears. I suppose I should feel guilt, but I can’t. Not now. No room for relief, no room for guilt. Just confusion, hurt, and anger, anger, hurt, and confusion. The guilt will come later – tonight, tomorrow, perhaps not until next week, but it will come.

 

James nods slowly, lowering his hands. “Don’t blame your–”

 

“I’ll blame whomever I like, James,” this strange voice that comes from my mouth snaps, cutting him off.

 

James subsides, picking at the coverlet, just as Lily had.

 

I watch him for a while in silence. Eventually, I shift some against my pillows, trying to get comfortable so I can sleep again. There’s nothing else to say, and I don’t feel like talking anyway.

 

James notices, and stands. “I’ll stop by again tonight,” he says, turning to go.

 

“James?” it’s my own voice.

 

He turns back to me.

 

“Thank you,” I say.

 

He doesn’t ask what for. He doesn’t have to. He just nods.

 

I close my eyes, expecting him to leave.

 

Instead, I hear the tell-tale shuffle of him shifting his weight from foot to foot.

 

I open my eyes to look at him and wait for him to speak.

 

“Will you ever forgive him?” he asks finally.

 

I say nothing for a long moment, unsure how to respond. At last I sigh. “Will you?” I ask.

 

He blinks and is silent.

 

I close my eyes again and listen as his footsteps take him away from my bed.

 

TBC